


Forbidden Name

by blackimpala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drug Use, Episode: s05e04 The End, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 21:23:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackimpala/pseuds/blackimpala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a hard day, Dean goes to Castiel's cabin, like he always does, to have sex and to try to get away from all the crap in his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forbidden Name

It is quite late in the afternoon; the sun is about to disappear in the horizon, the sky is painted in red, orange and yellow and the lights in Castiel’s cabin are already on, because although there are some sunrays leaking through the window, they aren’t enough to light the cabin, so Castiel has one of his lamps switched on.

Castiel is sitting in his bed, rolling a joint. He likes to smoke a joint when it’s almost sundown. He picks a lighter and lights the joint, leaving the lighter back on the bedside table after using it. He takes a slow puff, enjoying the taste of the pot and feeling how his muscles and his breathing relax with it. It always feels this good.

He hasn’t ended up the joint when he hears Dean coming into the cabin. Castiel raises his sight from the floor and looks at Dean, who has a serious and dark face. He looks even tired and frustrated. Castiel knows that Dean’s been out with some other people, trying to find the colt and killing demons.

“Hello, fearless leader.” Castiel greets.

Dean approaches slowly Castiel’s bed and sits next to him. Castiel can see better Dean; he is tired, angry and frustrated, but Dean hides it pretty good with his poker face, but Castiel knows Dean for too long; that face isn’t enough to hide Dean’s emotions when his green eyes are speaking.

Castiel moves his hand, offering the joint to Dean, with his eyebrows arched. Dean nods and takes the joint, taking a slow puff as he closes his eyes. Castiel stares at Dean, who takes another puff until the joint is almost consumed and puts it on the ashtray that rests in the bedside table.

“How did the hunt go?” Castiel asks.

Dean has his sight on his feet. “Don’t wanna talk about it.”

Castiel knows what’s behind that answer. Something went wrong and Dean doesn’t want to talk about it, so he is just going to fuck Cas, like he always does when a hunt goes wrong.

“So you are here to fuck me, right?” Castiel says casually.

Dean makes a half bitter smile and looks at Cas. Now the smile is gone. “If you don’t want to, I can go to another place.” Dean says.

“No. There’s no problem with us having sex.” He says trying to sound as if those words Dean said didn’t hurt him.

Soon Dean grabs Castiel’s shirt and pulls him to his mouth, kissing him in an angry and desperate way. Castiel places his hands in Dean’s jacket, holding the flaps as they kiss.

It’s been several years since they started to have sex. But when they started, it wasn’t like that. Dean was always quite lovely and sweet with Cas, he didn’t want anyone else. They wanted to be together and they liked being together. They had their problems, like any other couple, but they worked out. Castiel kissed Dean every time he wanted to, and so Dean did with Castiel. They spent their nights sleeping in the same bed, waking up next to each other, talking about a bit of everything, smiling, enjoying each other. They loved each other too much.

But when Dean found out that Sam said yes to Lucifer, everything changed. It was like their love was an ephemeral dream; there were no more kisses, there were no more nights sleeping together, just some casual sex when Dean needed it to get away from everything. And soon, Dean started to sleep with other people and so did Cas too. It had been a long time since their kisses were filled with love, since the sex was because they loved each other, now it was the only way to get away from all the problems.

But for Castiel, that angry, frustrated, desperate and wasted sex, it’s the only way he can still feel Dean like he used to feel him. He loves touching Dean, he loves kissing Dean, he loves how Dean fills that awful emptiness inside of him, how Dean makes him feel, because he is still in love with Dean, although that Dean, the one who is kissing him right now, is no longer the same person that Castiel knew, is not the same person he fell in love with. It is just a shadow of the man he loved, the broken shell of him.

Castiel can’t judge Dean, he has been through a lot since Sam said yes, he has made hard decisions and that changed him, but also, Castiel isn’t the same person Dean fell in love too. He is just a shadow too, the remaining broken pieces of the angel he used to be.

And despite all of that, Castiel still loves Dean, he still needs him, he still has the urge to touch him, to kiss him, to feel him like that, because he still believes that somewhere inside this Dean, there is the Dean that turned his world upside down.  
Dean is now taking Castiel’s clothes off, as always, he does it in a fiercely and desperate way; he needs to fuck Castiel as soon as possible, Dean doesn’t want to waste time on taking clothes slowly, he just takes them off quickly, without kissing Castiel, while the fallen angel does the same with Dean’s clothes.

It is always like that. Desperate and wasted sex, a way to run away from all the crap in this broken and burnt world, a way to leave their minds in blank for a moment, and both of them accept that. Their eager hands, the needy and frustrated kisses show it. They need to feel skin against skin, to let out that burning sensation that gnaws inside each other when they are touching and kissing, because, although it isn’t the same sex they used to have before both of them changed, before the whole world changed, it is still great sex.

Both are already naked. Cas is laying his back on the mattress, holding Dean where the handprints used to be, while Dean is above Cas, leaning his hands in the mattress, really close to Castiel’s shoulders. They are looking at each other in their broken way, with their eyes dark and filled with desire.

Dean leans in an angry way to kiss Castiel. It is a dirty and desperate kiss, but both of them enjoy it. Castiel nails his fingers in Dean’s shoulders, and soon, he moves his hands to place them in Dean’s hair, running them in a frustrated way as Dean’s kisses start to move from his mouth to his neck.

Dean sucks several hickeys in Castiel’s neck, making the fallen angel to tighten Dean’s hair and to curve his back, moaning softly. Dean can be really far from the man he used to be, but he still manages to make Cas feel things that shook his whole body, to feel pleasure, to surrender to Dean’s touch.

Castiel pulls himself closer to Dean, he needs the wonderful warmth of Dean’s body. He bites his lower lip and closes his eyes, feeling how Dean’s tongue licks his nipple. Castiel pushes down softly with his hands Dean’s head so the hunter can’t have any space between his mouth and Castiel’s nipple. And while Cas does that, he can swear Dean just made a smirk.  
The licking is followed by a gentle nibbling and Castiel moans again and opens his eyes, he moves them to see Dean, all focused in Castiel’s nipple. Dean has always loved Castiel’s nipples, he loves to kiss them, to lick them, to nibble them, and he has always loved how Cas reacted when he was doing something on his nipples.

Dean pulls his mouth away from the nipple, leaving it hard and red, and he looks at Castiel. It is during those times, when they are naked, having sex, or about to have it, when they look close to how they were a long time ago. They have changed in a lot of ways, but when they are this exposed, almost nothing has changed at all. They are craving to feel more from each other, despite of having sex as a way to escape from the nightmare the world and their lives have become.

They kiss fiercely and needy. Castiel still has his hands in Dean’s hair, and now Dean’s hands and mapping Castiel’s sides until they arrive to his hipbones. Dean is rocking his hips to feel their hard cocks touching. They broke the kiss to take a breath, just for some seconds and then, they keep kissing while with one of his hands, Dean searches the lube in the first drawer of the bedside table.

Dean pulls away from the kiss and Castiel spreads his legs. Dean is putting the lube in his hands to prepare Cas. It is funny to think that it is the end and they still have lube for their wasted sex.

Castiel feels how Dean is circling his hole and he can’t help to nibble his bottom lip. Soon, Dean gets one finger inside Castiel, quickly but softly, he doesn’t want to harm Cas. He moves his finger inside Castiel and the fallen angel moves his body, digging Dean’s finger inside him, craving for more. Then Dean pushes another finger inside Castiel and he scissors them. Castiel makes a smirk, but when Dean’s fingers touch his prostate, he moans and tilts his head back. Another finger joins the two and now there’s that burning sensation that Castiel was looking for, so he rocks his hips as Dean’s fingers move, finding more pleasure as they found a rhythm. Dean moves his fingers inside Castiel, touching as much as he can, making Castiel to shake his whole body as Dean’s fingers work inside him.

After some moments, Dean pulls his fingers out, making Cas to feel empty again. He looks at Dean, who is putting lube on his cock, then, he cleans his hands from the lube really fast and places himself above Castiel, who is putting his legs around Dean’s waist, making more room for him. Castiel’s chest is going up and down quite fast in an arousing way; he can’t help feeling like that every time Dean is this close, when he knows that Dean is going to fill his emptiness. Castiel raises his head to give Dean an angry kiss that Dean welcomes.

Soon, Castiel feels Dean’s cock getting inside him, slowly at first, and Castiel has to break the kiss in order to let out a silent moan. Dean is filling his emptiness in that warm way that Cas loves too much. He rocks his hips, colliding with Dean’s, to feel Dean’s cock better. Once Dean’s cock is touching his prostate, Cas bites his lip again and looks at Dean’s eyes, dark but shining. Dean places his hands in Castiel’s shoulders and Castiel moves one of his hands from Dean’s hair to Dean’s blade. They kiss quickly and Dean starts to shake his whole body, fucking Castiel in a hard way.

Castiel nails with his fingers the places where they are touching Dean. The feeling is too good. The way Dean pushes his cock in and out of Cas is breathtaking. Dean is connected to Castiel, making him feel a warmth that he can only feel with Dean, rising his heartbeats, making his whole spine to arch, to curl his toes, and Castiel loves all of that, he loves having Dean inside him more than anything.

Dean kisses Castiel’s neck as he fucks him, not as hard and fast as before, but almost, and Cas is moaning really loud, something that Dean adores. He loves the sounds that Cas lets out when they have sex, it is something he will never get tired of, despite of all the things that have changed between them.

“Dean—” Castiel moans. “Oh, Dean—”

It is the only time when Castiel says Dean’s name; during sex. The rest of the time, Castiel calls Dean fearless leader. And although Castiel doesn’t know it, Dean loves that he still says his name during sex, because it makes Dean to go back to those days when they were quite happy, when everything wasn’t a nightmare.

Dean feels awesome fucking Castiel, he loves how warm Cas is, how Castiel gives everything he has to him, how he opens for him, how he tightens Dean with every moan, how his whole body shakes when his cock touches that special place. Dean surrenders to Castiel’s body and he loses himself in it.

“Dean— Dean—” Castiel keeps moaning.

Castiel pushes Dean closer, he doesn’t want to leave any space between their bodies, he wants to feel every single small part of Dean in his body. He tightens Dean even more when Dean’s cock is touching that sensitive place again, making Cas to moan louder, to press his head in the pillow as his back curves.

Once again, Dean’s cock touches that place and Castiel loses himself. He lets out an orgasm and he comes. Dean is holding him, like always, he keeps fucking him and Castiel feels extremely good. His whole body is surrounded to Dean, it belongs to him, and the pleasure he is feeling is indescribable. Not so later, Dean comes too, letting a loud orgasm as well; Castiel holds him and enjoys how Dean’s come fills him.

Their foreheads are touching and both of them are panting. After some moments, Dean gets his cock out of Cas, who makes a low whine, the emptiness is inside him again, and he hates it, he wants to have Dean inside a little bit more, feel his warmth, feel how their bodies are joined.

Dean lies down, next to Cas and he picks some tissues to clean himself. He picks another and hands it to Cas, so he can clean himself too. There’s sweat and come in their bellies and they don’t want it to get dry and sticky.

Once they are clean, Castiel sits, leaning his back on the headboard. He picks with difficulty a joint from the bedside table, (Dean is lying on the side of the bed where the bedside table is closer), and he puts it in his mouth. Dean sits too, leaning his back on the headboard and passes Cas the lighter. Castiel lights his joint and then, he sees that Dean has one in his mouth, so Castiel gives him the lighter.

Castiel takes a puff and looks how Dean lights his own joint. “Since when do you smoke after sex?” Castiel asks. He bends one of his legs and leans his arm, the one with the joint, on his knee.

Dean gives him his careless stare. “Can’t I?” Dean says a bit annoyed. He takes a puff and then, he ends up in the same position as Cas; one leg bent and the arm resting on that knee.

“You can do whatever you want.” Castiel says careless. He knows that once sex is over, they are back to the real world, and those great things they felt while they were fucking, aren’t there anymore.

Dean always stays a couple of minutes in bed with Cas, until he recovers his breath, and then, he leaves the cabin, leaving Cas naked, lonely and sad in his bed. Castiel wants to sleep in the same bed as Dean, he wants to wake up next to him, like they always did before Sam said yes. But Dean never stays in bed with Castiel.

But tonight, Dean seems different; he never smoked a joint with Castiel, maybe he would take a puff from the joint that Castiel is smoking, but nothing more. Maybe Dean had a tired day and the weed helps him to go through everything; that’s what it happens to Cas.

Castiel leans his head in the wall and takes another puff. He remembers the first time he smoke a joint, at first it make him feel dizzy and the taste was weird, but now, he was used to all of that, maybe too used.

Dean takes a deep breath and then he takes a puff. Castiel rolls his eyes to see him. Dean is looking down, and he seems quite sad. It is strange for Castiel, because, in the last few years, Dean’s face doesn’t have an expression; it is always dark and tough.

“What?” Dean says when he catches Castiel staring at him.

“Nothing.” Castiel answers. He takes another puff.

“No, it’s something. Tell me.” He insists. His eyebrows knit together.

Castiel sighs. “You seem different tonight.”

Dean raises his eyebrows and takes the last puff from the joint. He picks the ashtray and lights off the puff. He hands it to Castiel so he can do the same. Then, Dean puts it back to the bedside table and sighs.

“It’s been a hard day.” Dean finally says after some moments. He leans his head on the wall and looks up.

“It’s always a hard day.” Castiel adds.

Dean makes and acid smirk. “Yeah.” He sighs again. 

Dean moves his head away from the wall and looks down. He is looking at Castiel’s lap and slowly, he runs with his eyes Castiel’s body. Sometimes he forgets how handsome Castiel is without clothes.

The fallen angel is confused by Dean’s behavior. This is not how Dean has been lately. Dean doesn’t stay in bed looking at Cas like that, talking with sadness. This is really confusing.

When Dean’s eyes have finished touring Castiel’s body, Dean looks at his own lap and takes another deep breath.

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asks.

“It’s nothing.” Dean answers squeezing his nose.

“Dean, what is it?”

Dean lifts his head and looks at Castiel with eyes opened wide. Castiel is looking at him worried. “You only call me Dean when we are having sex.” He says bewildered.

Castiel makes a grimace. “I know.”

“Why have you called me Dean right now?”

Castiel sighs. “I don’t know. I guess that it may be because you don’t look like the fearless leader at this moment.” He answers a bit shyly. He stares at Dean’s green eyes, those amazing eyes that he will always love. “You seem like Dean now.”

Dean lowers his gaze for a moment and sighs. Castiel is scared that he may have said something that he shouldn’t, but his fears disappear when Dean starts talking.

“I’m just tired of everything, Cas.” Dean says. He looks at Castiel’s blue eyes. “I’m tired of killing people with cold blood because they got infected. Tired of fighting, of torturing.” His voice is rough, but there’s regret, sadness and tiredness and Cas is surprised by all of that and at the same time he is upset. “I wish that things were simpler, y’know?”

“I know.” Castiel responds.

“I miss how things were easier a long time ago, when I didn’t have all this pressure upon my shoulders. I’m tired of being strong.”

“Dean—” Castiel says and he strokes gently Dean’s shoulder, something that the hunter appreciates.

Another breath is taken by Dean. “Everything has changed a lot. Everything is chaos. I feel like everything is my fault and—”

“It’s not your fault, Dean!” He interrupts abruptly. Dean looks at him surprised. “I know this isn’t the best thing, but, I’m glad that you said no to Michael.” He kisses Dean’s shoulder.

Dean puffs and blows. “I used to be stronger.”

“So did I. But we are no longer the same person.” He says sadly. He is stroking Dean’s arm. Castiel needs to touch Dean as much as he can in that moment, to show Dean that comfort that he needs. “We changed. The situation made us change.”

“Yeah.” Dean looks at Cas and forces a small smile. “Maybe we haven’t changed that much.” Castiel lets out a short and acid laugh with that.

Suddenly, Dean cups Castiel’s face, something that he hasn’t done in years, he raises Castiel’s face until it is in the same height as his. Cas is looking at Dean’s eyes, which are closer and closer as seconds pass, with surprise and confusion. Dean kisses him in a sweet and passionate way, like how they used to kiss years ago. Castiel feels how his heart stops for a moment because of the surprise, but then, he closes his eyes and surrenders to that kiss. The kiss he has been missing for years, the kiss he has been craving, wanting and needing every night that Dean went to his cabin.

Castiel cups Dean, and he wants to cry, because that kiss means a lot for him, and Dean is kissing him with all his heart, like he used to do when they were deeply in love. Finally, they are kissing like that and Castiel can’t believe it, but he kisses Dean back, doing it in a passionate and sweet way.

When Dean’s lips pull away, just leaving a few inches from Castiel’s, Castiel stares at Dean’s eyes. They show the Dean he thought he wasn’t going to see anymore, looking at Cas with love and desire, and Cas can’t help to kiss Dean again, in that passionate and needy way, because he wants to kiss him like that over and over again, he needs it.

But that kiss breaks before Castiel wants, and a sudden fear runs Castiel’s body. Dean doesn’t look like Dean anymore, he now looks like the fearless leader, and Castiel doesn’t want that, he wants his Dean, his wonderful Dean. He feels how his heart breaks when Dean leaves his bed and how cold takes over his body.

Dean knows that he can’t have any of that again. He can’t fall for Castiel one more time. Not in that place, not in that time. Of course he wants to have all of that, he misses a lot what they used to have, but he mustn’t have it. He has other more important things to do. He had gone beyond than he should have with that kiss and he can’t allow himself to fall for that one more time.

Castiel is panting. A few seconds ago he had happiness and now, it is all gone. Dean is getting dressed, without saying a word. His face is dark and tough again. Castiel needs Dean to stay with him, to cuddle with him in bed, to kiss him in that perfect way.  
Castiel moves himself and ends up sitting in the edge of the bed, approaching Dean. He takes Dean’s wrist and Dean looks at him with a frown and with his eyes showing confusion.

“Dean, please” Castiel begs. He knows he sounds too needy, too broken, but he doesn’t care in that moment. “Stay.” The word comes out weakly but it is desperate and needy.

“I have to go, Cas.” Dean says dryly.

Castiel releases Dean’s wrist and sees how Dean finishes getting dressed. Castiel is devastated and broken. He could have everything he and Dean had a long time ago but Dean, like always, pulled away.

Dean leaves the cabin really fast, without saying a word, without looking at Castiel, as if nothing ever happened at all, and when Dean is gone, Castiel buries his face in his hands and starts to cry. He is naked, but he hasn’t felt that naked, that fragile, that broken, that hurt and that stupid ever.


End file.
